I have been writing and re-writing this post almost daily in my head for the last week, so I figured it was time to get it out so I could go back to focusing on other things. It doesn’t want to come out so I am going to have to drag it, kicking and screaming.
It has been said by many that change is the only constant. So why are most of us so reluctant to face it head on? Change = Risk. It is putting yourself on the line and throwing caution to the wind. It is taking a leap of faith, while fully acknowledging that you left the parachute on the rim of the cliff before stepping off. It is fetching scary, let’s be real.
Change has a way of making you tuck up inside. I feel like I have been curled up in fetal position and am just beginning to peek out from the edge of the blanket I’ve wrapped securely over my head. I’ve come to terms with this, knowing that it is all tied to fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing myself because I failed. And yet, as I have considered these emotions swirling about, it seems that they are bringing me in the exact direction I don’t want to go.
Fear leads to more fear.
It hasn’t taken me closer to my goals or desires. Actually, it has done the opposite. So this morning when I fought to wake up before the sun to head to work (gross, I don’t recommend it), I decided it was time to embrace change. Sure change is challenging, and yes, I might fail. But at least I won’t regret missing out on this majestic opportunity to grow. I want to stretch myself so far that I don’t recognize myself from when I first started. I will reconstruct my heart and build something new, something better. I will reach my limits and be able to see how far I’ve come.
As I read Al Fox Carraway’s book (highly recommended, seriously go buy it now-don’t even stop to make a sandwich), I actually related TOO WELL – almost exactly – to her chapter about making the move to Provo.
My answer came as a reoccurring thought, one I figured if I ignored long enough would go away. It didn’t. Weeks and weeks had passed, and it kept coming back. But what it came down to was this: …God is real. Not only that, but He in reality speaks to us. He does. Who would I be if I said, ‘Hey God, you’re wrong.’ I can’t do that, because He’s God! What would I be if I said that to God? And how guilty I would have felt if I finally got an answer and didn’t do anything about it. The guilt would have killed me. So finally I said to Him in prayer, ‘Fine, I’ll go, but I’m not happy about it. Just so you know.’
That was incredibly difficult for many reasons. It’s hard to know your desires are not His will. But it’s not about picking what we want to do and just asking for Heavenly Father’s help with it; it is about doing what He asks of us and receiving those blessings, help, and comfort to follow through with His will.
More of Al’s story: Here. I think she and I are going to be the best of friends one day. Just saying. She is bomb.
So here we go. Today is the first step in the right direction. I denied it. Then the acceptance stage hit, and I admitted I have a problem. I kind of hate change. There. I said it. It’s out there in the open, right where anybody can judge me. Oh well I guess.
I am going to start and embrace the change one little baby step at a time. I may trip and fall a few times, and there is a great chance of skinned knees and bruised elbows, but I think they may be worth it. I might argue with God sometimes, but ultimately I know that what He has in store for me is always going to be 100X more magnificent than anything I could even imagine today. Trust is hard, and letting someone into your heart is even more challenging some days, but I know it will be worth it. There isn’t a better teammate I could ask for than Him.
Just imagine yourself in a boxing ring. It is hard. There are punches being thrown and sweat dripping everywhere. Possibly some tears and blood. Screaming distractions of the world are right outside those four barriers, telling you which direction to go or how to swing that next hit. But when you take a little breath and look to your corner for even just a glimpse, you will see it. He will be standing with a towel and some water, ready to wipe you off, fill you up, and send you out in the fight to keep going. He has trained you to win. He knows you can do this.
But if by chance, you lose the match, He will still be there. He will bandage your wounds, remind you who you are, and start preparing you for the next match. There will always be more opponents coming your way. Luckily for you, you’ve got the best coach in the history of time. Your worth in His eyes is far beyond anything the world can give you. He wants nothing but success and happiness for you. Who better to trust than Him?
So today I am going to trust in Him. I am going to open up my heart and let that change make me better, let HIM make me better. I hope you can also take that challenge with me.
Time to let the best coach train me for victory. His team has already won. We know who is standing at the finish line in this competition, and the reward of eternal life will be worth every bit of trials and pain if we but endure it well.
XOXO – Heath